Let the Tiger Play
by racheldhaus
Summary: My battle with a Tiger and my inner self, which both are of neither difference.
1. Chapter 1

LET THE TIGER PLAY

_Prologue_

Out in the sun, above the great divide.

We sing a song that we've known for long.

Let the trumpet play it's song so the tune can at once be heard.

Learn it, savor it, before it goes away.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why won't you come out to play?

The tune has died, the trumpet can no longer be mended.

So let the Tiger play.

Let the Tiger run around and jump and hide and play.

Let him see the hatred the world has hid away.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why won't you wake today?

The tune is decayed, the trumpet is lost.

The Tiger prances around the field, acting both good and bad.

Acting smart, and playing rough and secretly very mad.

Lock up the Tiger, with a bolt and key.

Look at it closely and you will see:

Where green eyes now lie blue.

Where ferocious claws now lie gentle hands.

Where clear, vivid stripes now lie long, curly hair.

Rachel lies within the Tiger. The Tiger lies within her.

Are surprised that Rachel is only five?

Where blue, crystalline eyes now lie green.

Where soft, gentle hands, now lie ferocious claws.

Where long, brown, curly hair now lies vivid stripes.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why can't you make up your mind?

The bolt is loose the key is lost. The world cannot give up.

So let the Tiger play it's game.

It'll surely give up some day.

Let it wander around the pen, as it watches you slowly die.

The beautiful stripes are seen as scars.

Mental and physical, the Tiger slowly dies.

It roars and moans at the trumpets tune, is heard deep inside.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why won't you let the Tiger go?

Let it die away as it speaks your name slowly in your ear.

Entices you with every word, as you learn to play it's game.

The Tiger sits and watches as you slowly die inside.

With all that he makes you do, you slowly fade away.

The Tiger feeds on this and that alone.

The Tiger's game has now changed as Rachel begins to learn.

The monster can now be seen, staring back at you in the mirror.

So sing the song, that dare be heard, above this great divide.

Learn to fly away, above us only sky.

Spread your wings and face your fears, as the Tiger purrs his tune.

He hasn't died, I'm afraid to say.

For this, you will pay the price soon.

He waits and watches to play his game with you.

This now I can see.

Learn the ropes, Rachel.

And let the Tiger play.

Chapter One

Life has never thrown me an easy pitch. Mostly curves, but this isn't a story about baseball. Ever since I escaped from the womb, I feel like I've always had to struggle. But who doesn't have a hard life?

My name is Rachel, and this is a biography of some sort. I may be only 16, but I've been through more than your average grown adult. I've seen shit that no person should see and I've done so much. But I live my life with no regrets.

My dad was an abusive alcoholic. He would hurt me and my mom and my brother. Lori, my mom, would try so hard to get us away from him, but nothing ever helped. He was the one with the "iron fist" if you know what I mean. I remember once when he locked me in the bathroom shouting "You move..." and then he'd shake his fist in the air. He did that to me when I was two. I'd sit in the corner trying to hide myself from the world as I'd try and block out the muffled cries of my brother and my mom. I still don't understand why he spared me. Why me?

Why did he sexually abuse me as a two year old? Why did he tell me that everything was ok when he "checked" to make sure I was "normal". Why did my mom not help me when she saw the bruises forming on my stomach. From purple to green in a matter of days. I guess that's why I've associated myself as a "tiger" from early on. I associated those beautiful markings on the beast with my scars caused by a beast. Forever marked, i guess you could say.

I became a ward of the state at the age of two and a half. My grandma decided she had had enough watching him do this to us. Me and my brother were put in foster care and I was only allowed to see my family on certain days with supervision. That's what made me crack. That's when the voices really began talking.

They started when my dad locked me in the bathroom. As tiny whispers growing in fear. Then they began to grow louder and louder with every punch. With every scream i yelled they began to gnaw at my brain. They began to scream just as loud, until I decided it wasn't worth the energy to scream. They did it for me.

I never thought I was crazy. But what three year old understands what "crazy" is. I grew up fast in that house. Especially living with my dad. Never really had much of a childhood. But still...I see now that I was completely insane, but back then, I couldn't see inside of my skin. You have to step out and take a look around to understand what's really going on.


	2. Chapter 2

LET THE TIGER PLAY

_Prologue_

Out in the sun, above the great divide.

We sing a song that we've known for long.

Let the trumpet play it's song so the tune can at once be heard.

Learn it, savor it, before it goes away.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why won't you come out to play?

The tune has died, the trumpet can no longer be mended.

So let the Tiger play.

Let the Tiger run around and jump and hide and play.

Let him see the hatred the world has hid away.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why won't you wake today?

The tune is decayed, the trumpet is lost.

The Tiger prances around the field, acting both good and bad.

Acting smart, and playing rough and secretly very mad.

Lock up the Tiger, with a bolt and key.

Look at it closely and you will see:

Where green eyes now lie blue.

Where ferocious claws now lie gentle hands.

Where clear, vivid stripes now lie long, curly hair.

Rachel lies within the Tiger. The Tiger lies within her.

Are surprised that Rachel is only five?

Where blue, crystalline eyes now lie green.

Where soft, gentle hands, now lie ferocious claws.

Where long, brown, curly hair now lies vivid stripes.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why can't you make up your mind?

The bolt is loose the key is lost. The world cannot give up.

So let the Tiger play it's game.

It'll surely give up some day.

Let it wander around the pen, as it watches you slowly die.

The beautiful stripes are seen as scars.

Mental and physical, the Tiger slowly dies.

It roars and moans at the trumpets tune, is heard deep inside.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why won't you let the Tiger go?

Let it die away as it speaks your name slowly in your ear.

Entices you with every word, as you learn to play it's game.

The Tiger sits and watches as you slowly die inside.

With all that he makes you do, you slowly fade away.

The Tiger feeds on this and that alone.

The Tiger's game has now changed as Rachel begins to learn.

The monster can now be seen, staring back at you in the mirror.

So sing the song, that dare be heard, above this great divide.

Learn to fly away, above us only sky.

Spread your wings and face your fears, as the Tiger purrs his tune.

He hasn't died, I'm afraid to say.

For this, you will pay the price soon.

He waits and watches to play his game with you.

This now I can see.

Learn the ropes, Rachel.

And let the Tiger play.

Chapter One

Life has never thrown me an easy pitch. Mostly curves, but this isn't a story about baseball. Ever since I escaped from the womb, I feel like I've always had to struggle. But who doesn't have a hard life?

My name is Rachel, and this is a biography of some sort. I may be only 16, but I've been through more than your average grown adult. I've seen shit that no person should see and I've done so much. But I live my life with no regrets.

My dad was an abusive alcoholic. He would hurt me and my mom and my brother. Lori, my mom, would try so hard to get us away from him, but nothing ever helped. He was the one with the "iron fist" if you know what I mean. I remember once when he locked me in the bathroom shouting "You move..." and then he'd shake his fist in the air. He did that to me when I was two. I'd sit in the corner trying to hide myself from the world as I'd try and block out the muffled cries of my brother and my mom. I still don't understand why he spared me. Why me?

Why did he sexually abuse me as a two year old? Why did he tell me that everything was ok when he "checked" to make sure I was "normal". Why did my mom not help me when she saw the bruises forming on my stomach. From purple to green in a matter of days. I guess that's why I've associated myself as a "tiger" from early on. I associated those beautiful markings on the beast with my scars caused by a beast. Forever marked, i guess you could say.

I became a ward of the state at the age of two and a half. My grandma decided she had had enough watching him do this to us. Me and my brother were put in foster care and I was only allowed to see my family on certain days with supervision. That's what made me crack. That's when the voices really began talking.

They started when my dad locked me in the bathroom. As tiny whispers growing in fear. Then they began to grow louder and louder with every punch. With every scream i yelled they began to gnaw at my brain. They began to scream just as loud, until I decided it wasn't worth the energy to scream. They did it for me.

I never thought I was crazy. But what three year old understands what "crazy" is. I grew up fast in that house. Especially living with my dad. Never really had much of a childhood. But still...I see now that I was completely insane, but back then, I couldn't see inside of my skin. You have to step out and take a look around to understand what's really going on.

Chapter 2

Early on, I associated the good personality as Good Rachel and the bad personality as Bad Rachel. When Good Rachel came out to play everything was fine. I tried real hard not to let the voices, or as I like to call them now, the Tiger, influence me in any sort of way. I knew then, as a three year old, that this is what could overtake me. What could empower me to do things that aren't right. But I let the Tiger play. I let him dig his claws deep into my voice, straining every breath as I screamed, begging him for mercy. I let him pounce in every part of my brain that was fragile. I let him go into the deepest, darkest corners of my soul and let it all out. I let him hurt who I loved. My foster mom, my brother, my foster brother who was less than a year old. I let him turn me into a Tiger.  
The Tiger became too much for me to handle.

Fortunately, the state gave my mom a chance. So she divorced my dad and moved us to a women's shelter. And that is when the Tiger set his match.  
Sex has always been a struggle for me. I guess we only have one person to blame for that anyway. That is where the Tiger saw my greatest weakness.

"C'mon, Rachel," the Tiger would say. "Boys were meant to make you feel good." Feel good? HA! Boys have caused nothing but pain for me. "But it'll make daddy so proud." You're right. We both know how angry dad gets after a few of his special drinks.  
So I'd pull down my pants in front of all the boys in the home, only to see them point and laugh at me. I'd run into the house locking myself in the farthest bathroom and sit in a corner facing away from the door. That wasn't what was supposed to happen. "You didn't do it right." What's did I do wrong? "Let them do what daddy does." NO! I will not let them do that. "I'll be there with you through it all. I never leave." That was what I was afraid of. Him never leaving me. He had set a flame that was about to go out of control.

I have a pretty big family. My mom and her older brother are 26 years apart. Making my cousins at least 30 years apart from me. What is that relevance to, no idea. I just think it's weird.

Me and my brother were visiting my grandparents in Winfield one day in June in 1999. My mom wanted to take us out to Wendy's for dinner so we could meet up with our cousin Vicki and see her newly formed family. She blacked out, or something, we don't really know what, and crashed our little Volkswagon Bug head on into a super duty pickup truck. She died instantly. My brother was nearest the window and suffered brain injuries and almost lost his eye. All though he did lose the bone to his pinky toe... I crushed both of my legs; every bone below the knee. Crushed growth plates, traumatic internal injuries. That is a pain in which I never wish to experience again. Physical and mental. My mom was the only one who made the Tiger still. He never talked when I was around her, he just purred quietly. Looking back, I can still hear the Tiger chuckling to himself before waking up in my hospital bed 2 months later.


	3. Chapter 3

LET THE TIGER PLAY

_Prologue_

Out in the sun, above the great divide.

We sing a song that we've known for long.

Let the trumpet play it's song so the tune can at once be heard.

Learn it, savor it, before it goes away.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why won't you come out to play?

The tune has died, the trumpet can no longer be mended.

So let the Tiger play.

Let the Tiger run around and jump and hide and play.

Let him see the hatred the world has hid away.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why won't you wake today?

The tune is decayed, the trumpet is lost.

The Tiger prances around the field, acting both good and bad.

Acting smart, and playing rough and secretly very mad.

Lock up the Tiger, with a bolt and key.

Look at it closely and you will see:

Where green eyes now lie blue.

Where ferocious claws now lie gentle hands.

Where clear, vivid stripes now lie long, curly hair.

Rachel lies within the Tiger. The Tiger lies within her.

Are surprised that Rachel is only five?

Where blue, crystalline eyes now lie green.

Where soft, gentle hands, now lie ferocious claws.

Where long, brown, curly hair now lies vivid stripes.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why can't you make up your mind?

The bolt is loose the key is lost. The world cannot give up.

So let the Tiger play it's game.

It'll surely give up some day.

Let it wander around the pen, as it watches you slowly die.

The beautiful stripes are seen as scars.

Mental and physical, the Tiger slowly dies.

It roars and moans at the trumpets tune, is heard deep inside.

Good Rachel, Bad Rachel. Why won't you let the Tiger go?

Let it die away as it speaks your name slowly in your ear.

Entices you with every word, as you learn to play it's game.

The Tiger sits and watches as you slowly die inside.

With all that he makes you do, you slowly fade away.

The Tiger feeds on this and that alone.

The Tiger's game has now changed as Rachel begins to learn.

The monster can now be seen, staring back at you in the mirror.

So sing the song, that dare be heard, above this great divide.

Learn to fly away, above us only sky.

Spread your wings and face your fears, as the Tiger purrs his tune.

He hasn't died, I'm afraid to say.

For this, you will pay the price soon.

He waits and watches to play his game with you.

This now I can see.

Learn the ropes, Rachel.

And let the Tiger play.

Chapter One

Life has never thrown me an easy pitch. Mostly curves, but this isn't a story about baseball. Ever since I escaped from the womb, I feel like I've always had to struggle. But who doesn't have a hard life?

My name is Rachel, and this is a biography of some sort. I may be only 16, but I've been through more than your average grown adult. I've seen shit that no person should see and I've done so much. But I live my life with no regrets.

My dad was an abusive alcoholic. He would hurt me and my mom and my brother. Lori, my mom, would try so hard to get us away from him, but nothing ever helped. He was the one with the "iron fist" if you know what I mean. I remember once when he locked me in the bathroom shouting "You move..." and then he'd shake his fist in the air. He did that to me when I was two. I'd sit in the corner trying to hide myself from the world as I'd try and block out the muffled cries of my brother and my mom. I still don't understand why he spared me. Why me?

Why did he sexually abuse me as a two year old? Why did he tell me that everything was ok when he "checked" to make sure I was "normal". Why did my mom not help me when she saw the bruises forming on my stomach. From purple to green in a matter of days. I guess that's why I've associated myself as a "tiger" from early on. I associated those beautiful markings on the beast with my scars caused by a beast. Forever marked, i guess you could say.

I became a ward of the state at the age of two and a half. My grandma decided she had had enough watching him do this to us. Me and my brother were put in foster care and I was only allowed to see my family on certain days with supervision. That's what made me crack. That's when the voices really began talking.

They started when my dad locked me in the bathroom. As tiny whispers growing in fear. Then they began to grow louder and louder with every punch. With every scream i yelled they began to gnaw at my brain. They began to scream just as loud, until I decided it wasn't worth the energy to scream. They did it for me.

I never thought I was crazy. But what three year old understands what "crazy" is. I grew up fast in that house. Especially living with my dad. Never really had much of a childhood. But still...I see now that I was completely insane, but back then, I couldn't see inside of my skin. You have to step out and take a look around to understand what's really going on.

Chapter 2

Early on, I associated the good personality as Good Rachel and the bad personality as Bad Rachel. When Good Rachel came out to play everything was fine. I tried real hard not to let the voices, or as I like to call them now, the Tiger, influence me in any sort of way. I knew then, as a three year old, that this is what could overtake me. What could empower me to do things that aren't right. But I let the Tiger play. I let him dig his claws deep into my voice, straining every breath as I screamed, begging him for mercy. I let him pounce in every part of my brain that was fragile. I let him go into the deepest, darkest corners of my soul and let it all out. I let him hurt who I loved. My foster mom, my brother, my foster brother who was less than a year old. I let him turn me into a Tiger.  
The Tiger became too much for me to handle.

Fortunately, the state gave my mom a chance. So she divorced my dad and moved us to a women's shelter. And that is when the Tiger set his match.  
Sex has always been a struggle for me. I guess we only have one person to blame for that anyway. That is where the Tiger saw my greatest weakness.

"C'mon, Rachel," the Tiger would say. "Boys were meant to make you feel good." Feel good? HA! Boys have caused nothing but pain for me. "But it'll make daddy so proud." You're right. We both know how angry dad gets after a few of his special drinks.  
So I'd pull down my pants in front of all the boys in the home, only to see them point and laugh at me. I'd run into the house locking myself in the farthest bathroom and sit in a corner facing away from the door. That wasn't what was supposed to happen. "You didn't do it right." What's did I do wrong? "Let them do what daddy does." NO! I will not let them do that. "I'll be there with you through it all. I never leave." That was what I was afraid of. Him never leaving me. He had set a flame that was about to go out of control.

I have a pretty big family. My mom and her older brother are 26 years apart. Making my cousins at least 30 years apart from me. What is that relevance to, no idea. I just think it's weird.

Me and my brother were visiting my grandparents in Winfield one day in June in 1999. My mom wanted to take us out to Wendy's for dinner so we could meet up with our cousin Vicki and see her newly formed family. She blacked out, or something, we don't really know what, and crashed our little Volkswagon Bug head on into a super duty pickup truck. She died instantly. My brother was nearest the window and suffered brain injuries and almost lost his eye. All though he did lose the bone to his pinky toe... I crushed both of my legs; every bone below the knee. Crushed growth plates, traumatic internal injuries. That is a pain in which I never wish to experience again. Physical and mental. My mom was the only one who made the Tiger still. He never talked when I was around her, he just purred quietly. Looking back, I can still hear the Tiger chuckling to himself before waking up in my hospital bed 2 months later.

Chapter 3

I was an empty shell from there on out. I had lost the ability to feel the right side of my body caused by a severe stroke. I was in a stress induced coma for 60 days following my first procedure. I could feel the Tiger growing stronger within me. With every realization that without my mom, I would be more vulnerable than ever, he grew stronger. He made himself known in every corner of my being. He made me feel angry and hurt. Why? "Because you need me, Rachel. Without me, you wouldn't even be able to think straight." I can't think straight anyway. "But with me, you can feel." I don't wanna feel anything, you've taken everything away from me. You make me more tired than I all ready am. "Then sleep, sleep like your mother."  
With every word he spoke, he made me very tired. But, being in a coma, wouldn't this be all a dream of some sort? A figment of my imagination caused by my stress disorder? Who knows, it's all happening in my head anyway.

My dad wasn't a frequent visitor, but he came every so often. He made the Tiger scream within me. He panted and paced and couldn't sit still. That's why I've never been able to think straight about my dad. He himself caused his own distruction in my head. Dad talked to me occasionally. He would bring toys and my precious baby doll that mom gave to me on our way home from grandma and grandpas. I'm surprised she even survived the crash. She didn't even look touched. He picked me up one time and set me on his lap. I cuddle into his chest and cried so hard until I went limp. He apologized over and over again. How sorry he was for causing such a beautiful mess. For making my life a miserable wreck. I didn't forgive him. Please, put me down. "Are you sure?" Yes, daddy, I'm tired. "Ok, I love you sweetie." I know daddy.  
But I didn't believe him. I saw past his slurred words. Even in the hospital I could tell he was fighting a headache. Good, let him have something pounding inside his head. When he left to go see my brother, the Tiger sighed and stretched a grin from ear to ear. What's so funny? "You." Me? "You. You honestly think that he loves you and that he's sorry?" Well, yeah. I think he meant it. "But daddy has only been sorry if he wants something from you. Do you love him?" He's my daddy, so shouldn't I? "He has been nothing but a sperm donor. He wants you to use you. Not to love you." I don't believe you.

After we were well enough to go home, we went back to our foster parents house Mike and Brenda's. They had been there for us in the beginning and seemed to want us back. Roger, my brother, and I have always been close. He was there for me and I for him. But he made the Tiger scream, too. Maybe because he was a boy. That's what really made me angry. It didn't so much make the Tiger angry, causing me to be angry. No, it caused ME to be angry; and only me.

Brenda helped us adjust to all of the gear we had to wear to keep everything in place. Casts, braces, wheelchairs...you name it. She slept on the recliner every night because I would sleep on the couch. She'd be there for me when I'd wake up and start screaming and sobbing. I would recall in my sleep, the laugh of the Tiger. Echoing inside of my head. Resiliant. Like it'd never stop. What was he laughing at? "You." Me? "You." Why? "Because you're pathetic."

I had to fight him. Playing with my toys wasn't enough. Watching TV wasn't enough. He overtook me occasionally and made Bad Rachel come out to play. I couldn't control him. I was only five. He made me scream at the top of my lungs while his roar echoed inside of my head. Louder than any of my screams. He wouldn't leave as I beat my head with various objects, trying to get him out. He just sat there, staring at a decapitating object. He would growl at it occasionally as a few notes escaped the fragile horn. That's when I cracked. That's when Brenda realized I was beyond her help.  
She took me to the hospital and I was admitted under suicidal watch. I just layed there laughing. Laughing at him, laughing at myself, and laughing because well sometimes you just got to laugh. They sent me to a mental institute sort of thing for a month. The Tiger calmed down because through the instruction of "learning how to play nice on the playground", I taught myself how to control him. I controled the trumpet. I made it sound whenever I was happy, laughing. It made him grow weaker.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Making him grow weaker wasn't my best bet over all. He knew how to make me feel so miserable, nothing could make me laugh. I was miserable. But, my weekly visit to Grandma Wilson's wasn't all that bad. I could manage the occasional smile and laugh once or twice. It hurt me though. The trumpet was dying. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally.  
"You are weak." *Gasping for breath* You won't hurt me. "No." What are you going to do for me then? "Make you wish you were dead." Why me? Why do you want to do this? "Because, dear one, I loath that trumpet. Makes me hurt, makes me feel weak. But you're pain makes me feel stronger." At that moment, I felt like I had recessed back farther into myself than I ever had. That was rock bottom for me. I was curled up in the darkest corner of my soul gasping for breath.

* * *

Grandma and Grandpa Wilson decided to take us to the old house where Roger and I lived before the accident. I didn't really know what was going on at the time, but the Tiger kept pacing back and forth so I knew that something was up. We arrived at the house and we sat in front of it. The Tiger roared and screamed inside of me as I kept cringing and screaming along with him He stopped after a few minutes and let out a low growl. The porch swing was moving back and forth with no one in it. A faint outline of a lady could be seen there. Mom! "No. Not anymore." B..but it's her, look over there. The shadow got up and walked towards the steps that led down to the path towards the streets and walked down them. The shadow disappeared after it got halfway down the path. All the while, the Tiger humming a tune.

Looking back at this, I think that Mom was waiting for us. She always sat on the porch swing waiting for us to return home from various activities. I think she wanted to know that we were ok and being looked after. I think that's what she needed to move on.  
The Tiger always seemed to like my mom, I guess. He always purred to himself and be sleepy when I was around her or sitting in her lap. I guess that's one thing I had to give up when she died. I had to learn how to calm him down and control him.

"What are you doing, Rachel?" Trying to learn the tune you always used to hum. "Why would you do that?" Because it will be something we will have in common. "We all ready have something in common." What's that? "We thirst for anger. We want to feel pain." You're wrong. I want to be happy. "You don't even know what that means." If it means making you hum, I will do whatever it takes to make you sing along. It's what makes you happy. And if you're happy, I too shall be.

* * *

Roger and I moved from one foster home to another for a few years. Sometimes we'd go together and sometimes we'd go separately. The Tiger would be fussy after every move, making me more and more exhausted. I had post traumatic stress disorder and he didn't really help with my condition. Some days he would scream until I would pass out from the exhaustion and some days he would sit there staring at the trumpet. But most of all, he grew. Every year I grew, twice as much would he. He would feed off of my exhaustion. But I could feel myself becoming able to control him. I could feel myself growing happier. I had decided to pick myself up and shake off the dirt. Enough was enough. I couldn't rely on other people to control what I was becoming. I had to do it, and only me. I could feel myself growing stronger as a person. I was the strongest five year old out there and I was sure as hell going to show it.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

At the age of six, my cousin Vicki decided to adopt us. SHe lived in a small town in Wyoming just outside of Yellowstone. I was so excited! Someone finally wants to adopt us. Someone loves us enough to finally adopt us. "You fool." What do you mean? "They don't love you." Oh, but they must. "You'll find our soon enough."

* * *

In early June of 2002, we moved out to Wyoming. Mark and Vicki had three younger daughters; Emily, Katie, and Annie. Something was off about Vicki, though. It's like I had seen her before, but I knew I hadn't. She made the Tiger growl and claw at the air. But I continued to play the trumpet to calm him down.

After time, the tune began to grow weak and began to lose the affect it once had on him. Vicki and I didn't get along after a couple of months. I think she began to realize what a horrible wreck I was.  
I would scream and cry as the Tiger taunted me with his wicked laugh. He would laugh as I lie there in agony with the punishment that I had received. Vicki would punish us with wooden spoons, her hand, or other various items she could get her hands on. I don't think she loved us like one of her own and I think she felt guilty for a period of time for not being able to. But she was the spawn of Satan, so I don't forgive her. She didn't administer the love that we needed. She didn't know about the Tiger, but the Tiger sure as hell knew about her. He hated her.

We moved to California after a year in Wyoming. I was growing stronger regardless of what the Tiger was still doing to me. I was learning to ignore his taunts. If he laughed, so would I. Did that make me even more insane than I already was? Probably.

* * *

Vicki home-schooled us after our move. I learned a lot. Not about school, but about myself and how the Tiger worked. I excelled far above any of my age group. I could read at a middle school level in just the second grade. A real-life Matilda, you could say. Books were my escape from him. He was on mute whenever I read and he didn't know that. I calmed down for a while. But Vicki made the tiger so angry regardless of my efforts. Headache after headache, I couldn't take it anymore. I confronted her multiple times about my mom. She being my cousin, she should know plenty. She avoided the questions I would throw at her.

Why do you hate her so much? "Don't you remember?" Remember? "The day your mother died." No, actually I don't remember. "She was there." Who? He growled low, got in a pouncing stance, and raised his hackles, and showed his sparkly white teeth. Oh! She was there! Vicki was there. Why didn't I see it before? He blames her for breaking the trumpet. For killing the tune.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Eventually Vicki had had enough of my wanting her love. She decided to put me back in the system and keep my brother. Putting me back in the system made me have to move back to Kansas. I had to leave Roger. The only person keeping me partially sane and the only person I had left of my mom. He made the Tiger purr and calm down. What was I going to do without him? I had spent so long trying to teach the Tiger that Roger was apart of Mom just as much as I was.

I left in late July of 2004. I went to one foster home for a night before heading off to a family who wanted to adopt me. There house was filthy and disgusting. The basement was covered in cat urine, the showers were filthy, and the floor of the house was covered in at least two inches of dirt. The mom was never there and the daughter made the Tiger nervous. I think I was only there for a week before I had had enough. I called Vicki and told her and she was able to get me in another foster home. I was there for a week or two before heading out the the Jordan's, whom I had stayed with for night when I first got back to Kansas. All the while, I devoured book after book, knowing it would make the Tiger dormant and sleep. I couldn't risk my relationship with any other person. He and I had a few conversations here and there, but I was smart and made him feel inferior. That was the last time I even remember talking to the Tiger. I was finally my own person.

* * *

Mark and Barb were an older couple who lived in Wichita. They were unable to have kids and decided to adopt. Why they chose me, I don't think I'll ever be able to figure that out. I mean, after reading my file and reading my psychotic disabilities and mentioning a "fictional tiger that she explains for her behavior", who would chose me?

They did. And for that I owe them so much. The Tiger was never a problem with them. I was accepted by there families. For once in my life, I can say that I was genuinely happy. I felt loved.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Horses. My true love you could say. My new cousin Dana introduced me to the gentle beast. They understood me, and I them. It made the Tiger go even further away than books ever did.

I went to a horse camp in Michigan my first summer with Mark and Barb. I struggled with the other kids there because of the Tiger, but the horses...I can't even begin to explain the relief I felt. Soaring on top of the back of something that accepted me at first look. No questions asked.

I went to Black River Farm and Ranch Camp for three years before being able to have one of my own. Sure, I've worked my ass off for him. But I think, through everything I've been through, I deserve a friend. Joker is my best friend. Even better than that. He makes me laugh. He makes me forget everything and feel free from the world. He makes the Tiger dig deeper back inside of me than anything else ever has.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Aaliyah. Beautiful. Daring. Sexy. *sigh*...words can't even begin to describe how she has made me feel. I met her in February of my freshman year when Robert introduced me to her. I can't believe I'm saying this, but she made the Tiger sing. She made him hum the tune that he waited so long to sing. So I decided to pursue her. She kept me up at night in the beginning. She left me speechless and she turned me on with every step she took. She knew it, too.

I decided to brake it off with Robert. "But what about the future?" The future has never been set for me, and there are things that I need to think about. I'm really confused right now. "It's Aaliyah, isn't it?" I smiled at him, put my hand on his cheek and said that I couldn't even begin to explain what she does to me.

I told her after the break up how I felt. I am so very attracted to you and there's something about you that I can't explain that leaves me wanting more. "I know. Not about the second thing, but that you're attracted to me. You're an open book, Rach." I stretched a grin from ear to ear and told her she had no idea what she was talking about. The Tiger laughed with me as I laughed with Aaliyah.

A couple weeks went by and things stayed the same. Aaliyah, and two other friends including myself decided to go to the drive-in because my friend had just bought an el camino. It was late October and it was kind of chilly. We had a bunch of blankets and a mattress in the trunk. Aaliyah's feet were at my side and my feet at her side. The other two girls were sprawled out on the other side of me. I held onto her feet like it was nobody's business. I kept them warm for her and she kept mine warm. I know it sounds silly, but that's where we hit it off. She tapped me in the chest with her foot so I'd tap back. We did this all night without even saying a word. We talked to the other girls with silly conversation. She eyed me a couple of times giving me a daring smile. *sigh*. I have never felt so peaceful in my entire life. Like everything was finally ok.

Things went back to the way they were for a few weeks. We didn't talk about it anymore. But I sure as hell wanted too. It had become to much for me to have her play me hot and cold so I started writing. Writing about everything she did to me. Poems. It helped me calm down and the Tiger stop pacing, wanting to play the tune.

Me and a couple friends decided to do a girls night in. I said that I'd host it and that they could stay the night if they wanted too. Aaliyah, Alyssa, and Myesha, Aaliyah's god sister, came over the Saturday before thanksgiving.

We laughed and talked and decided to watch a Madea movie. We sprawled out on the basement floor with Aaliyah's head resting on my stomach. We both started to get bored. She started to play the tapping game with me again which got boring after a while. She sat up, sighed, looked at me and then headed for the stairs. I stared after her in confusion. "I'm thirsty, come get a drink with me." Sure. The others are technically asleep anyway. I grinned real wide and she gave me a daring look over at me.

Oh my gosh. I followed her up the stairs. She past te kitchen and headed towards the stairs leading to my room. I stopped in my tracks and looked at her. "Aren't you coming?" I nodded in assurance. Wonder what she has in store?

She gave me a grin once she hit the stairs. I ran towards her and giggled as I chased her up the stairs. She went to my room and sat in my desk chair. I flopped on the bed and spread out. "Whats's this?" She points to a green, hardcover notebook on my bed. Oh, that. Ummm...how I deal with things. I write. "Write what?" Poems, stories. "Anything about me?" Why would you assume? She grins up at me and winks. I look down at the book and can feel my cheeks beginning to turn red as I flip the pages. Want to hear one? "Sure." I begin I read a fairly dark poem to her. I can feel her eyes beating down on me as I try to focus on what I'm reading. "Wow. That was deep." Yeah, you know how I do.

Alyssa and Myesha head up the stairs and I gather myself and try to get rid of the blush before they start to ask questions.

We play the Never Have I Ever game. I learn a lot about what Aaliyah has and hasn't done while she learns a lot about me. "Never would've thought that you have slept with two other people. Boy and girl." Technically three people. Three way with two other girls. "Wow. Dirty." She winks at me. I smile back and notice the Tiger pick up and examine the horn.

The other girls pass out on the bed with us on it after a while. Aaliyah and I started to ask each other questions and play the question game. We begin to cuddle even closer as the night stretches on. This night would change my life forever...

TO BE CONTINUED...


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 10

So, have you ever dreamt about me? Aaliyah looks at me with a sparkle in her eye. "You never answered my question." And what was that? "What was your dream about?" Right. Gotcha. Well, we are on my bed and you're on top and we make out for a while. There's some definite feeling up and foreplay. And then when you start to take off your shirt the Ti...*cough* I mean I wake up. She abruptly looks over at me and gives me a questionable look. "In my dream, we are very drunk. You and I start at the bottom of my stair well and end up on my bed. You're on the top and we make out and you feel me up." Wow. " Wow?" What else do you want me to say? "Nothing. Figured you'd have something else to say besides 'wow'." I'm speechless, really.

We ask questions for a couple of hours. She turns over on her side having her back face my head. I cuddle up close to her and enter weave my legs with hers. I put my arm around her and pull her close up against me. I start humming as we start to drift off. As I begin to fall asleep she says,"It's your turn." I don't have any more questions. "We've been at this for five hours, Rach. I think that's a new record." We should talk to Guinness about this. It should go down in history or something. She laughs to herself. "Yeah, I guess so."

We ask questions for a couple of more hours. We cuddle close and continue having our legs locked together. I put my face close to hers and almost go in for a kiss when i hear his voice saying "not yet".

I'm falling for you. "Don't. I'm not real sure about this." I'll try my best.

The other girls start to wake up as the sunlight begins to enter my room. We head out for breakfast at IHOP once everybody was ready. Once we got home, Alyssa had to take Aaliyah and Myesha home. Call me. "Or just Facebook chat me." Oh yeah. I give her a wink and head back upstairs and sleep for a couple of hours. Or, I guess as much as I can without thinking about all that happened.

We continue the question game later that evening until I begin to fall asleep. Monday, my mom had to work so I went over to her house. We played the game for a while. We cuddled up close and talked. I put my hands on her legs close to her stomach and I could feel her cuddling closer like I had really turned her on. I layed on my back and she cuddled up

against my side. She put her nose into my side and looked up at me with sparkling brown eyes that enticed me since the beginning. I put my head back and closed my eyes. I started to hum the tune that the Tiger hadnt stop playing for two days.

Over the next three days we sent over 4,000 messages over Facebook chat. I was really falling for her. She was the first girl who made me feel special. She made me feel at peace, and she made the Tiger sing. I figured since only a couple of people had been able to do that, she was something special. But what really put me back was that she was a girl. I had been with two other girls before, but that was a soul searching kind of thing. That happened in the Tiger's dormant stage. What would my mom say? My dad? The thought that I was actually gay kind of made me take a step back. It didn't surprise me considering the trust issues that I have with guys and other people. That didn't really seem to stop me, though.

Thanksgiving came and went and school was back in session. I had made a mistake a few days earlier in talking to Robert about it. Aaliyah found out about our conversation. "Why the fuck would you tell Robert?" What? She looked at me as we were standing at her locker. I could tell that I had really hurt her. I could see it in her eyes. She turned away and headed for the door. I stood there composing myself and headed out to her. What are you talking about? "What do you mean what am I talking about? How does Robert know?" He figured it out. She didn't trust me anymore after that. I called her that evening to make sure she was ok and we talked through it. I could see the Tiger shaking his head in the back of my mind.

We continued to talk on the phone every evening after that. I was trying to gain he trust and I think she wanted to trust me. "I don't know, Rachel. I have to be 100% positive about all of this." What's my score so far? "Hmmmmm...50%." Damn. Not good enough. She laughed at me. And I laughed with her.

So, when can I sneak over again? "Well, we don't have school the eighth?" My mom'll be home. How about the Friday after, my parents are going out to dinner. "Sounds good. My god-mom doesn't usually get home until after 7." Great. Can't wait. I love you, Aaliyah. Before she hung up I could hear her say I love you too. Nothing has ever made me so sure about anything. I truly did love her.

-—-

School days were better and more exciting. I had to make sure to focus on school, but being head over heels for someone I found it to be more difficult than usual. I walked her to her classes and we continued to flirt. We decided it was best not to tell any of our friends what was going on because we didn't know how they would take it. I went over to her house that Friday and gave her the CD I made her for Christmas. Merry Christmas. "Thank you." She put it into her DVD player and put on her favorite song. Hanging by a Moment. It described everything that we were going through. She sat on the chair and I layed on the couch. I went over and sat on her lap and laughed so she came over to te chair and sat. She put her legs over mine. I put my hand on the sweet spot and started rubbing her leg. "Why are you so secretive?" What do you mean? I sat up with her and put my head beside her lap. "This. You're always hiding your face." I don't know. Maybe because the most beautiful things in this world can't be seen but felt.

We went into her bedroom and cuddled close next to each other on the bed. We asked questions and had moments that were quiet and that was perfectly fine. It was about time for me to leave. I don't want to go. "But you have to. She'll be home soon." I guess you're right. We walked to the bottom of her stairwell. "You know you're not as tough as you make yourself out to be." After she said that, I was planning on putting her up against the wall and kissing her. Making her know how much she meant to me. The garage door was going up jut as I was about to. "Oh, shit! She's home!" Fuck. "Go out the back door." Where? I grabbed my stuff and headed out the back door. "Hope the fence!" I climbed up to the top and hopped down. I could see her aunts car rounding the corner so I hid in the shadows of the fence. As soon as she was in the house I bolted for the truck and went home.

I lay in my bed that night thinking of all of the things that I should have done. I should have kissed her for one. I should have gotten there sooner so there was more time to cuddle. But I remembered how hard it is to go back and change what has all ready passed.

Weeks went by and things stayed the same. Winter break was coming and I was worried of how I was going to survive. The last day of finals she and I decided to have one last cuddle session before we went on break. It was the same old thing. Except she decided to get on top of me and hold my hands above my head. She was more or less sitting on my stomach so I couldn't go in for a kiss without sitting up. She got off of me and laughed before I had the chance to compose myself and get on top of her. We got up after a while and she made me a grilled cheese sandwich. Mmmm, best sandwich I've ever had. "I am a pro you know." Yeah, if you say so.

We went back and cuddled. Soon my ride came and it was time for me to go. "You should go, my god-mom might come home for lunch." I stared at her for a minute or so. Wondering if I should make my move. Being the dumbass that I am, I said yeah I should go. And grabbed my stuff and left. I love you.

That week away from her was the hardest thing that I have ever done. Every night I dreamt of her and every day was ten times longer because of the absence. She was my secret obsession and I missed her so much.

School started back up again and I could see at first glance that she suffered about as much as I did over break. I didn't mention it at school but in her phone call, she said that she had over thought everything ten times over. Oh, I know what that means. "I'm really sorry. But that much time alone I begin to think." You're a danger to your own self you know. "Yeah."

Things slowed down for a month. Something had to change. I was over thinking things just about as much as she was. We had to make take it further or just remain friends. "How much time do I have." Beginning of February.

I ached. The Tiger started pacing and panting again. "She won't choose you, you know." I can see it in her eyes that she wants to. "You're too much for her. You can't mess this up." What does it matter to you? You haven't been there for six years, and now all of a sudden she means something to YOU? "I am a part of you, Rachel. I never go away. You chose to ignore me. But I live as you live. She makes you live." I can't control her choice. "But you can sure as hell make you worth her while." I don't want to lose her.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Aaliyah. "Yeah." Have you thought about your decision?" Yeah, I'll talk to you about it on Monday at school." Ok. You going to be ok? "Yeah."

Monday came too soon. Anitra and I were in the cafeteria together before school. "Hey, did you hear that Aaliyah's god-mom found out about the Facebook?" Oh, SHIT!

I found Aaliyah after school sitting alone on the bench. She turned around and looked at me, or in my direction you could say. I could see the hurt yet again in her eyes. I sat down facing her. Are you ok? "I will be." We pause for a bit. She looks over at me. "I think we should just be friends." I looked into her eyes. I saw pain and disappointment. I sat there for a while trying to compose myself before I started to cry. I could feel my upper lip start to quiver so I started to say, I'm going to go see Anitra and Nikki in the library and work on some homework. Walking away from her there, it was the hardest thing to do ever. Every step felt like an effort. She was my whole world.

I got to the library. "You ok?" Nope. "What happened? Was it Aaliyah?" Yeah. I had previously clued them in on what was going on. That was my second mistake. All within less than twenty minutes. I went to Aaliyah's locker and took some of my stuff back. The stuffed zebra I had recently gotten her pertaining to an inside joke and some things that I had drawn for her. Nikki ad I trailed out. She took my zebra and ran off with it. I eyed Aaliyah hoping she would see the hurt and disappointment in my eyes. She turned away after she caught my glance. I felt awful so I took the zebra back and headed home.

I flopped on my bed and started to cry. I cried for at least two hours before I heard the Tiger cry along with me. Our emotions are shared now. I couldn't call Aaliyah. I couldn't talk to my parents about it.

She was all I still thought about. I longed to be next to her and feel that closeness. But as they say, nothing can ever go back to things thy once were.

"Have you told anybody?" No. I did ask for help with Alyssa, though. "About what?" Well, I told her that I have a friend who I was having a fling with. The said friend said that they only wanted to be friends but I could see it in her eyes that she didn't want to. "Oh." Yeah. That's where the conversation ended and I didn't bring it back up to her again. That was my third mistake.

Aaliyah eventually found out about what I told Nikki and Anitra. She was beyond furious at me and I was afraid that I had lost her forever. We tried to talk it out but things didn't seem to get any better so I decided to give her some space.

"Why did you do this?" Well, for one, you're not the easiest thing to talk to. "So? I could help!" You've never helped me before. What makes this time so special?

Things eventually got better between me and Aaliyah. There was still a trust barrier there. We were all standing at Alyssa's locker one day in between class periods. Someone made a smartass comment about her boyfriend. "Yeah well, I'm not the only one now." And she hip bumped Aaliyah as if to signal who she was talking about. "Yeah, an ex-boyfriend named Kyle." My jaw immediately dropped and I looked at her square in the face. "What?" She looked at me seeing the hurt in my face. I rolled my eyes and walked away trying not to cry.

I was hurt. I was furious. I didn't know what I felt anymore. Betrayed, maybe? After school, we talked in the school commons. She found my poetry book and started reading my latest entries about what was happening. She found the questions I had written down to ask her which I hadn't really made up my mind if I was going to or not. She took it and stuck it in her pocket.

Why didn't you tell me? Are you guys dating? She avoided the questions and made some smart remark. Answer the damn questions. "I was planning on it. Believe me, that's not how I wanted you to find out." You think? "And yes we are dating." I looked at her like I didn't believe it and looked to the side to try and stop the tears from coming. "It was kind of sudden." I stood up and said, ok then see you tomorrow.

I didn't sleep much that night. Crying and tormenting myself. She had a look in her eyes that I still can't explain. She looked trapped. I think she was in that relationship because it was familiar and comfortable. But what does it matter now anyway? "What do you mean what does it matter? She matters. She matters more than anything to you." You're right. I can't change the past now though. I can't change what has all ready happened.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Aaliyah and I remained friends to the best of our ability. I couldn't take it. She has a flirty attitude. No night was not spent dreaming or thinking about her. She was all I thought about. We still talked but the conversation was meaningless and not important. Sure, it was important to me but it had no substance

We grew to trust each other more as time went on. But day in and day out she was still all I could think about. Dreams, reliving our relationship, thinking. It's all I could do to keep myself sane.

The Tiger cuddled close with his trumpet. I don't think I will ever hear him play his song again.

Weeks went by and things continued to stay the same. I was fed up and needed some form of comfort. Robert and I decided to go to the bowling alley and take Nikki along. Little did I know that we weren't really going to bowl.

"You take the first shot." No, you do it Nikki. "I don't wanna." Pussy. "Yeah, I know." Fine, I'll do it. I take three shots of cold medicine and begin to feel it kick in ten minutes later. We sat in Roberts car, as it started getting hotter we began to take off our shirts.

Nikki kept giving me the daring eye. Things began to heat up in the car as we began to kiss each other on the cheeks. I would kiss Nikki then Nikki would kiss me and then Robert and then Robert would kiss her. Soon, she would kiss me on the lips. Then escalating to making out. I couldn't believe that I let myself get this far out of hand. She got up and sat on one of my legs, turning me even more on. She leaned over and started to kiss me even more, making it more intense. Her taste, her smell. I began to kiss her neck and putting my hand underneath her shirt. She stopped me before my hand reached her breasts. "Woah, Tiger. One step too far." I chuckled to myself at the irony. Sorry, too far. I'll stop. We soon had to head home. My head ached from the affects of the medicine.

We promised not to tell anyone. What happens in the car stays in the car.

I couldn't take it. I couldn't bring myself to not talk about it with someone. Why I didn't talk about it with Aaliyah in the beginning, I don't know. She and I told each other everything, but I guess I thought that this was different.

Anitra has been there for me when I needed her. And I have always been there for her, regardless of how dumb she may be. I texted her and told her what happened, skimming over the water on most of it. Her response really wasn't what I expected. "How could you let Nikki get high?" What? "You know she has a problem." She has an addiction to marijuana, not getting high. "It doesn't matter, you don't let your friends get high." I'm not her keeper. She's a big girl, she can choose to do whatever the fuck she wants. "That doesn't matter." Anitra eventually took it personally and made sure I knew that I lost her trust. She told Nikki about it and Nikki and I haven't talked since. Nikki talked to Aaliyah about it. "What happened?" What do you know? "Nikki said that you've been telling everyone that she wanted to fuck you." That's not what happened. "Well, then tell me what happened." I told her everything. Everything that happened that night, about telling Anitra and her not being able to trust me anymore. "Why didn't you come to me in the first place?" I don't know. Didn't think of it I guess. "Why the hell did you talk to Anitra about it? You don't tell her those kids of things." I don't know. I've been there for her, so I figured she would. We talked for about an hour on the phone about the craziness of our friends. I told her I missed her and thanks for being there for me. Things were back to normal.

School ended, what does that mean? Parties! Alyssa had a grad party the day after school ended. I gave her her grad present. "Thank you so much! It's beautiful." You are very welcome. I gave her a hug and went to lay down on the couch. The night went on and Aaliyah's looks kept getting more intriguing. I went over and lay next to her on the couch. She was playing with her iPod. What's that? "Stop!" Huh, what's that? "Stop!" She'd smack me and I rolled over laughing. She tapped me again on the leg. She kept doing that as we laughed and played. She kept scooting closer to me, almost in my lap. I put my arm around her waist and she let me. She'd stick her ass out playfully when her back was turned towards me.

In a conversation with Alyssa about boyfriends I made sure to mention Aaliyah. "Yeah, but if someone else comes along, she'll drop him like a hat." Really? She nodded in my direction as in she knew what I was thinking.

The Tiger played his song after I left that night. It was melancholy and sad. Like he had given up. He will always be longing for her, just as much as I will. Maybe there will be something more? Maybe he can continue playing the song she once made him play. Only time can tell.


	12. Epilogue

Epilogue

The tiger still lives within me. I still live within him. But life is moving at a steady pace so I'm not complaining. I don't know what will happen with me and Aaliyah, but there is definitely something still there. She is everything to me and I want to make her see it. But maybe I just need to let that go. I don't know. I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Life is rough, there's no doubt about that. It's not about the grass being greener on the other side, you have to water the grass to make it greener. Life is in our control, you can make it be whatever you want it to be. You can't rely on other people for your happiness. You have to get up in front of everyone, pick up the horn, and let your tune be heard. Make your mark on this world. It may be hard at first, but you have to show people that what you have is unique compared to everyone else. Let your own tiger play.


End file.
